Mind your damned business…

We have all been in relationships and heard THE questions.

“When are you moving in together?”

“When are you guys getting married?”

and the one that makes some of us want to flip tables. . .

“When are you guys having kids.”

Well my dears, right those tables, find your Zen, pour yourself a nice tall glass of your favorite adult beverage and let’s dive into this ridiculous pressure we are constantly faced with and confidently declare. . .

“Mind your damned business!”.

From the moment we can comprehend, we are bombarded with the age old story boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, have a dog , 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. This very story has girls picking out that perfect white wedding dress, day dreaming about Prince Charming, hypothetically choosing baby names and imagining that perfect house from an age where we don’t even know what any of it really means. Then we get older and start being interested in boys, and start dating. As soon as something seems even slightly serious the pressuring questions start. Relationships already come with a myriad of challenges and hurdles as is, adding extra pressure or rushing things because it fits the “social norm” can make everything a thousand times more difficult.

Why is this ideal of marriage and kids SO engrained into society? Don’t get me wrong, I love love! I believe that everyone deserves a Happily Ever After. However I am firmly committed to the train of thought that Happily Ever After should be whatever it means to the couple. Sure marriage works, kids can make people happy, some people feel they are destine to have that ideal picture so they strive for it. However I think it’s time to step off our clouds of idealism and look at some cold hard reality, and I hope you’re still sitting down, (don’t flip the table again you’ll spill your drink.) maybe, JUST maybe, marriage and children AREN’T the end all be all of a happy, successful, lasting relationship. Now here’s where I’ll pause a moment for you to finish clutching your pearls, and take a long swig of that drink. . . . .

Shall we continue? You alright? Good ! Onwards ! Umm.. bring the bottle though, we may need it.

As a never married (dodged that bullet twice, thank God. They were bad guys) single mother, I can admit I often run into a question that makes me want to punch someone in the throat. “Were you married to the father?”. First thought that runs through my head as I sense that tinge of judgement is. . .

“Fuck off!” (Sorry for the F word Mom and Gmas). Honestly it is a question that is amazingly intrusive and inappropriate.

No “Karen” I wasn’t married to my sons sperm donor, No my son wasn’t planned, Yes I had him young, and YES I love him very much and have never regretted the choice. Funny how that happens. Have I always been in amazing relationships? Lord no, I have made my fair share of mistakes with men, however the dreaded pressure questions were always a lurking constant. I would say that personally I have never really felt that marriage is a necessary ingredient for me to be happy in a relationship. Am I anti marriage ? No. Would I turn down a proposal if it was from the RIGHT person ? No. With that said I have seen plenty of marriages be amazing, some struggle and some end. So, my views are coming from a realists view point.

This idea that two people NEED to get married to happily spend their lives together is antiquated and a lie (like the cake). Hell, look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, (some of you youngins’ may be saying “Who?” to which I say go watch Death Becomes Her and Tombstone, educate yourselves!) together 37 years and never married. Russell has said in an RTE interview when asked about why they never tied the knot. “For people like us, the marriage certificate wasn’t going to create anything that otherwise we wouldn’t have”. Hawn also adds “We all tried marriage and sometimes marriage doesn’t work”. (amp.rte.ie/amp/1183473/ ). Sometimes … marriage …doesn’t work. I know, I know, a radical statement, especially in a marriage crazed society, but it is true.

Now that we have discussed the pressure on marriage, it’s time to move onto the subject that gets pushed on every relationship like it’s our personal duty to repopulate the world , children. Again I go back to my own experience. I love my son to the ends of the earth , however I hated being pregnant. The whole experience for me was awful. I was constantly uncomfortable, working all the time, which made it worse, the birthing experience was terrifying, I went in a week early due to super high blood pressure, was induced, that wasn’t moving fast enough so they told me it was time for a C-section. Let me tell you THAT news did not lower my blood pressure at all. Once that was all said and done thing were good. Did I stay with the guy, no, did I ever think for one second that a child would fix the relationship, nope. Would the relationship have ended with or without the factor of a child? Yes.

I digress. Back to the questions.

Why try to push couples into having children (or having more children) if they clearly are perfectly happy without them (or with just one)? Just because Jane and Bob have five kids , doesn’t mean that Sally and Jake (from State Farm. Don’t lie, I know you thought it.) should. Some people don’t . . . wait for it . . . don’t like kids ! Some people don’t WANT kids. Yes, I am aware that’s an unpopular opinion, but a very real one that should not be met with judgement or shame. I can say I am a card carrying member of the I don’t want any more children, and also say without shame that I do not like MOST children (Except mine, he is a cool dude). Not wanting children is not a crime or a sin. It is a choice that people are free to make. Not wanting to have more than one child is also totally OK and a choice.

Society needs to leave couples alone and let them be happy in their OWN way ! These pressuring questions need to go the way of the dinosaur, and the judgement towards people who don’t want that idealized marriage, and kids (or more kids) needs to simply fuck right off! (Sorry for the F word again fam).

We all need to be able to look the doubters and judgers in the face confidently, maybe even using our best superhero stance and tell them “Mind your damned business”!